Maybe
by asyouwish16
Summary: Jamie is eighteen and life in the caves has changed in the past four years. He reflects on the many "maybe"'s and unknow things to come in his life.


_Author's Note: I only just discovered there was a Host section on here. I was so excited when I found out. Inspiration just came to me and I went with it. Please review, I'd really like to know what you think. I'm not really sure what I wanted to get across with this, but I do like it. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Host. Duh._

**Maybe**

"Happy birthday, Jamie!" Melanie yelled.

"Thanks, Mel," I smiled. Another birthday. Only four years ago, Wanda had joined us and Melanie had come back, just like she said she would. Four years that seemed like a lifetime ago and yet, seemed like only yesterday.

"Appy birfday!" the twins screamed at me. Little Marissa looked up from Wanda's arms at me and giggled.

I leaned down and picked up Audrey in one arm and Aidan in the other. I spun around as they screamed and yelled at me. Marissa laughed and clapped her hands together as she watched us.

I set the twins down and looked at my sisters. Melanie was frowned at Aidan who had his finger jammed up his nose, his laughs echoed in the caves. Wanda's smile that never faded from her face was soft and caring as she looked at her daughter. All the hate that had surrounded them when they had first arrived in these caves had been replaced long ago with endless amounts of love. You could see it plainly on their faces. It may be a terrible situation, but they'd never felt better than they do now.

Though they no longer shared a mind, Wanda and Melanie were closer than any sisters. They were complete opposites, but they seemed to balance each other out perfectly. There was a bond between them from being so close for so long that could never be broken. They could finish each other's sentences. Sometimes they couldn't even remember whose memory had been whose.

I think that once they realized that I wasn't a little boy anymore and that they had even missed most of the in-between time from boy to man, was when the need for children had come. Melanie had been taking care of me for so many years that it was hard for them to accept. A year after they came, Melanie had Audrey and Aidan. She hated it, but knew that I had grown up so much in the time that she had been gone. Wanda, two years later, had Marissa. They looked at their children as the center of the universe, the source of sunshine in these dark times.

Ian and Jared came into the kitchens, laughing at something we had missed. Jared scooped up his kids in his arms and swung them around the room. They laughed and screamed just like they had for me. Ian pulled Wanda and Marissa into his arms and kissed each of their foreheads.

I couldn't help but feel hope. Before Wanda had come, Ian had seemed fine. He didn't know what he was missing out on and didn't really care. Now, if Wanda was gone a second longer than she said she would be, he was scared to death with worry. The way he looked at her was like it wasn't gravity holding him down to the earth, but her. Jared couldn't stand to be away from Melanie for more than half a second. She made the smile never leave his face. She made it possible to continue living in these caves when aliens had taken everything else from him. When she was gone, you would have never even known that he even knew how to smile.

Maybe there was hope that there was someone out there for me. Maybe I would find someone unexpectedly like Ian had. Maybe instead of swinging my nieces and nephew around, I would one day swing my own children around. Them screaming and laughing for me to put them down. Maybe there was someone for me to hold in my arms and kiss. Some one that made me forget the horrible things that had caused me to end up here and just be happy.

But, then again maybe there wasn't. Maybe there was no way that so many people could find their soul mates after the end of the world. Maybe I wasn't lucky enough, or didn't try hard enough. Life and love does continue, just maybe not for me.

But, I couldn't give up hope. I could find _her_ in an hour, a day, a month, a year. There were other humans out there, we had confirmed that years ago, maybe _she_ was there. Or maybe _she_ was a soul, like Wanda or Sunny. There were endless possibilities and I couldn't shut the door on them now. When the souls had invaded, those who had given up hope to stay human now had a soul inside them. I'd had the hope and strength it took to stay human.

"Jamie?" Wanda asked after everyone else had left to work.

"Yes?" I took Marissa from her arms and held her gently.

"What's on your mind? You seem distant," she was too perceptive to let that slide, I should have known that.

"Just wondering."

"About?" she pressed.

She wouldn't let this go. And, I wanted to tell her. To let someone know what kept me up at night long after everyone else had drifted off. "If there's," I paused, "someone out there for me."

It took her a moment. My thoughts had obviously caught her off guard. "Oh, Jamie. I should have guessed. With me with Ian, Mel with Jared, and the kids. Of course there is someone for you."

"How do you know?" I asked. There was no way she could know that. Nothing was positive anymore. Nothing had been for a very long time.

"I've been to nine different planets. After about five, I gave up hope to ever find a partner. I just stayed along for the ride, I guess. Now, well, now, I've got more than I could have ever imagined," she stroked Marissa's cheek.

"But, I don't get to live more than one life," I argued.

"So make the most of it," she got up and walked away.

I stared down at the baby in my arms. She stared back up at me with wide eyes full of happiness to just have someone love her. When did the everlasting joy fade from your eyes? Was it when you reached a certain age, or when you had to grow up quickly? Marissa didn't deserve to have to go through what we all had to. She shouldn't have to have that happiness leave her smile and be replaced with fear and worry. Neither did Audrey and Aidan. There was no way to protect them from the horrors of the world, but there was no way we could let them be exposed to them. It had been a sacrifice when _we_ had given all this up, but these children should never have to.

When had that joy left my eyes? Was it when Melanie had woken me in the middle of the night, telling me that we were leaving and never coming back? Or when I'd lost Melanie and thought that she would never return no matter what she had said? Where did it go? Was it just gone, never to return?

I lay awake in bed that night. The worst parts of my days were these hours before sleep would come to me. Enough people had left these caves to the other homes of other humans with much more room and less people, that I had a room all to myself. I had never had a room entirely to myself before in my life. Someone had always been there. This was when I was the loneliest.

My dreams were filled with a woman and a child waking me in the mornings. I would smile and kiss them. I could feel the happiness build up inside of me. It bubbled to the surface and came out in laughter through my mouth. Just before I would haul myself out of bed, I would wake and find myself alone once again.

Maybe there wasn't anyone to fill my loneliness. Maybe it was supposed to me for the rest of my life, surrounded by family but alone.

Or maybe, that loneliness would be filled with someone that made me smile and laugh. Someone that made my heart flutter and race.

Maybe.


End file.
